


Can you hear me now?

by NarniaAtHogwarts



Category: Chronicles of Narnia (Movies), Chronicles of Narnia - C. S. Lewis
Genre: Family Bonding, Sibling Bonding, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-29
Updated: 2018-06-29
Packaged: 2019-05-30 16:27:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15100625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NarniaAtHogwarts/pseuds/NarniaAtHogwarts
Summary: It took you so long, so many times you listened, you supported, you stood by my side, but you never heard.Can you hear me now?





	Can you hear me now?

**Author's Note:**

> All rights go to C.S.Lewis and the Singers/Songwriters (see bottom for Song names) 
> 
> Thoughts = ~ 
> 
> Set after Prince Caspian, their father has returned from war and Peter will soon be going to the Professor's home, their parents and Susan to America and Edmund and Lucy to Their aunt and uncle. 
> 
> Peter: 18  
> Susan: 17  
> Edmund: 15  
> Lucy: 13

~ _The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is attention....A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words ~_

_\- Rachel Naomi Remen_

_XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX_

My eyes swept across the room, it was more crowded than I'd ever seen it, some people milling and chatting in polite conversation, other telling jokes and booming with laughter. 

Father was conversing with a small group, they were the first to arrive and introduced as soldiers that fought with dad.

I respect what they have done and sympathise with their pain, but I am not impressed. Not like many of the adults and children, eyes awestruck. No. Impressive isn't a word I'd use. 

Sidling through the many people, I reached the hallway. My hand closed discretely over a letter with my parents names on that I knew the contents held information about myself, to read and slipped it into my pocket before sneaking out the front door.

With a sigh I trudged down the path, ignoring the cars trundling along or the cold wind that had others shivering. Pulling the letter out I winced knowing who it was from. 

Opening the parchment, the school report glared up at me. 

_He shows great potential but needs to engage more......_

_~_ needs to engage more my arse, it used to be "he needs to quieten down and show more respect" I just can't win _~_

.... _needs to work harder in Geography and Science....._

_~_ And now I get to listen to dad lecture me once again. Why can't they realise I'm not Pete, I can't be magnificent, that is not my title. Why can't they see me and not my brother? _~_

_.....However shows incredible work in Art, History and PE and is top in his year in Music, English, Law and Sociology....._

_~_ Then a repeat of complaints from my father that they aren't as important as Maths and Science and Geography _~_

"Dammit Pete! Why do you have to set the bar so high?" 

I sighed heavily and turned my attention from the letter to where my feet had led me. A smile crept into my face as I stared at the small, rather old hut. Stuffing the letter into my pocket I started onto the wet grass towards the familiar hut. The roof was thatched and it only held one floor. The three rooms inside were small but useful, holding instruments, refreshments and a couch. Nobody else went inside, mostly because nobody knew it was there, hidden in a small field, behind the blackberry bushes. 

I shut the door and collapsed onto the sofa, instantly reaching for the guitar. Tuning it carefully, my mind flashed to the day Peter got THAT letter. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_His blonde hair was windswept and his breathing heavy, he'd obviously been running. Red patches shone on his cheeks and his eyes were lit up, a huge grin on his face._

_I smiled walking in, raising an inquisitive eyebrow towards my brother, a feeling of happiness that he was finally back and smiling just like the old times, so carefree and happy._

_"The professor said yes!!! He's mentoring me!!"_

_In that moment my smile became forced._

_"He's not travelling here is he?"_

_Mum asked in concern, yet a smile on her face as she kissed Peter's cheek and took the letter from him._

_"No, I would go to him"_

_He said breathlessly, the light in his eyes never fading. Unlike my smile. I grinned again when they turned my way, but it came out more of a grimace. Peter's smile faded, he stepped towards me._

_"I won't go, if..."_

_"Go. I'm not stopping you Pete, it's great news!"_

_He stared at me, long and hard. Then he smiled again and nodded._

_"Just look after yourself Ed"_

_A silence reigned as he ran off to tell the girls. Dad looked angry._

_"Why can't you be happy for him? Why are you so selfish, you have to make everything about you don't you!"_

_Dad snarled and stalked out. I flinched backwards but kept the hurt look off my face, refusing to allow him to see my feelings. Mum placed and hand on my shoulder almost placatingly and followed dad, probably to calm him down._

_I stood and stared out the window, the last remaining snow melting away. It was a shock to get snow in April but most people enjoyed it. Most._

_XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX_

The same sentence kept running through my mind, day after day, night after night. 

_"Why are you so selfish, you have to make everything about you don't you!"_

~Am I selfish? Do I really make everything about me? Am I stuck in that same loop of depressing selfish thoughts that I used to be in, cocooned in my own worries, too blinded to see everyone else? No, no I refuse to do that again and hurt everyone! ~ 

Jerking out of my thoughts as the clocked struck five, surprise crossed my face. I'd been reminiscing for half an hour. I loose track of time way to quickly nowadays. 

Slowly sitting back I closed my eyes and began a gentle strum. The melody slipping from my mouth, lyrics twisted, threaded into it. 

**"Hold it all together  
Everybody needs you strong  
But life hits you out of nowhere  
And barely leaves you holding on"**

Peter may be the rock, the leader, the High King, but I'm the protector, the silent, the shadow that follows, the Silver Crown. And I need to stay strong, I cannot afford to show weakness even if it means showing no emotion at all, especially around my father. 

**"And when you're tired of fighting  
Chained by your control  
There's freedom in surrender  
Lay it down and let it go"**

They just don't understand that sometimes to win the war you need to surrender a battle. And sometimes it's near impossible to fight, because your so sick of it, so tired of hearing the arguments rattling around your head trying to make sense of it all. I learnt from experience. Funnily enough you can learn a lot from bullies, of course not always the right things but sometimes there is a smidgen of intelligence that they do not see. 

**"So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away  
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held  
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place  
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held  
Just be held, just be held"**

It's been years since mum or dad held me, properly hugged me for comfort and not greeting. I stay strong because it hurts to need to be held, need to be caught, but simply left to fall instead. 

**"If your eyes are on the storm  
You'll wonder if I love you still  
But if your eyes are on the cross  
You'll know I always have and I always will"**

It sounds so much Like Aslan that my voice wavers over the next couple of lines. 

**"And not a tear is wasted In time, you'll understand  
I'm painting beauty with the ashes  
Your life is in My hands"**

Indeed our lives have been put in so many hands but my siblings and I can only trust each other with it and certainly not our parents.

**"So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away  
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held  
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place  
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held  
Just be held, just be held"**

If only they could hear this. Not listen, hear and understand. 

**"Lift your hands, lift your eyes  
In the storm is where you'll find Me  
And where you are, I'll hold your heart  
I'll hold your heart  
Come to Me, find your rest  
In the arms of the God who won't let go"**

In the arms of Aslan, the safest place we could be and yet the most dangerous of animals with the most Just of hearts. 

**"So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away  
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held  
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place  
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held  
(Stop holding on and just be held)  
Just be held, just be held  
Just be held, just be held"**

I finished, my voice getting quieter and gently strumming the melody away. Placing the guitar aside I stood and stretch my muscles, walking the three strides to the other side of the room and seating myself at the piano, an old birthday gift that 'broke' (I needed an excuse to get it here)

Gently my hands filtered cover they keys, sending calming waves of sound, the piano is one of the most beautiful of instruments. Or course my parents would disagree but then we always agree to disagree. 

**"All my life  
Been running from a pain in me  
A feeling I don't understand  
Holding me down"**

This song held so much emotion, so much truth that couldn't be disguised

**"So rain on me  
Underwater  
All I am, getting harder  
A heavy weight  
I carry around"**

A truth that cannot be seen, that's kept secret from the works is always a heavy weight. For a moment, when Narnia was in my life, that weight was gone. Now it's fine back with full force and I stuck beneath it, bearing it, yet my unheard breaths become more laboured every day. 

**"Today  
I don't have to fall apart  
I don't have to be afraid  
I don't have to let the damage  
Consume me,** **  
My shadow see through me"**

Thats the moment I was redeemed, when Aslan spoke the truth I had hidden away for so long, when he forced it out of me because I bottled it up for too long and it exploded in one moment. Everything hurt. The truth I yelled but no being other than Aslan heard. I was hurting, suicidle, upset, unwanted, unworthy. And I was scared. Scared that I could never be as good as my siblings. 

**"'Cause fear in itself  
Will reel you in and spit you out  
Over and over again  
Believe in yourself  
And you will walk  
Now, fear in itself  
Will use you up and break you down  
Like you were never enough  
Yeah, I used to fall, now I get back up"**

And I do. Every time. Now I've learnt to do it so quickly that nobody knows when I fall. 

**"I'm up here  
I'm looking at the way down there  
I'm staring through the I don't care  
It's staring back at me"**

The past me, the old memories where I didn't, where I refused to care because I knew it would hurt too much and I wanted to be okay, to believe everything would work out better so I pushed them away. 

**"The beauty is  
I'm learning how to face my beast  
Starting now to find some peace  
Set myself free, yeah  
Today  
I don't have to fall apart  
I don't have to be afraid  
I don't have to let the damage consume me  
My shadow see through me"**

Jadis doesn't scare me anymore. I'm not afraid of snow or winter or Christmas. No. I'm afraid of what it represents, of everything that I did, I'm afraid that if I look to deep into my fears that I'll fall in and won't be able to climb back out. 

**"'Cause fear in itself  
Will reel you in and spit you out  
Over and over again  
Believe in yourself  
And you will walk  
And now, fear in itself  
Will use you up and break you down  
Like you were never enough  
I used to fall but now I get back up"**

Up again. Always up again. Because I can't afford to fall. I can't afford to break, I need to be there to catch my siblings, to get them back up. 

**"I'm moving on  
Oh God just move on"**

Aslan knows I try.

**"Today  
I don't have to fall apart  
I don't have to be afraid  
Get back up  
Get up"**

**"Feel it, fear, wow  
And now fear, fear in itself can use you up  
And then breaks you down  
You're never enough  
And I used to fall"**

**"Breathe  
Ask for more  
If you're bitter still  
Ask him to help you carry on"**

 

Aslan. My help. My saviour. 

Yet I am undeserving of help. 

Glancing at the time I picked once last song, and closed my eyes once more. 

**"I've never been  
The one to raise my hand  
That was not me  
And now that's who I am  
Because of you  
I am standing tall"**

Thank you Aslan, for straightening me up and making me stand tall, allowing me a chance at redemption. 

**"My heart is full  
Of endless gratitude  
You were the one  
The one to guide me through  
Now I can see  
And I believe  
It's only just beginning"**

But we both know I'm not talking about you, Aslan. 

I wish they would hear me. Not listen, hear. See the meaning behind the lyrics, just once understand what I'm feeling. 

**"This is what we dream about  
But the only question with me now  
Is do I make you proud?  
Stronger than I've ever been now  
Never been afraid of standing out  
Do I make you proud?"**

Do I? Can you hear this now? Are you truly listening? 

**"Everybody needs to rise up  
Everybody needs to be loved  
To be loved"**

I ended it slowly, I could feel their presence behind me. 

"H-how long?" 

I whispered, but they could hear me in the silent room. 

"We heard all three" Susan murmured softly. I still didn't turn around, my muscles tense. 

"You do make me proud son"

A lump formed in my throat. Finally I turned around and me the bright blue of my brothers eyes, standing further forward than the others, eyes locked on me. 

It took you so long, so many times you listened, you supported, you stood by my side, but you never heard.

"No disrespect dad,"

A feeling bubbled up inside of me, I could see it in his eyes, he heard. Peter finally heard. 

"But I wasn't asking you." 

_~ It was always Peter ~_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Songs:   
> Just be Held by Casting Crowns   
> Fear by Blue October  
> Do I make you proud? by Taylor Hicks


End file.
